No Sense
by morethanwordscansay
Summary: CASKETT. ONE SHOT. AU. COMPLETE. Castle is angry. Beckett is hurt. Mending fences, writing wrongs. Love conquers all.


**I honestly don't even know where this came from. It's just a long one shot about our favourite couple and i hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: This just makes me sad**

He stared at her from across the bullpen as frustration coursed through him. He was angry, so angry. He was upset and tormented and it was all her fault. He was a mess. He had been up at night, walking and walking around the loft, his mind buzzing and his limbs vibrating with nervous, irritated energy that he just couldn't shake. He had stopped replying to her messages with his usual literate flair and instead responded in a monosyballic drawl which in turn increased his unease. He avoided her phone calls and ran a hand through his hair every time he saw her face flash as his caller id. But most of all he was tired, absolutely drained, completely and utterly exhausted and he knew it was only a matter of time before he fell in a heap, before he was caught out and confronted and he had no good explanation to give. No excuse, no good reason. He didn't know what to do anymore, but he couldn't keep going like this, running on empty with his mind constantly whirling itself up higher and higher before freefalling, no parachute, no safety net. He knew he was going to hit hard and all he could do was wait.

He gripped the two coffees tight in his fists as he made his way over to her desk, gritting his teeth and attempting an air of nonchalance. He sat down in his seat and placed her coffee in front of her. She looked at the coffee and slowly met his eyes, but there was no smile on her face, only a look of uncertainty and hurt which he knew was entirely his fault. He was the reason there was no smile. He was the reason for the darkness beneath her eyes and the fear in her face. He was the reason she looked like she was about to cry and run away. He did that to her and he hated himself for it.

She looked away and he closed his eyes tight, fighting the anger, no longer at her but at himself. How could he be so stupid? Had he ruined everything? He reopened his eyes and watched her for a moment as she filled in paperwork. He swore he saw a tear at the corner of her eye but before he could be sure she had wiped it away. He felt his heart break and took a deep breath in before he let it out. His pulse raced and he realised that he couldn't be there anymore, with her, looking like that. He had to leave now. Right then.

He stared straight ahead and said quietly to her, "I'm going to do some writing today. I'll see you later". He then got up and left before she could even look up. Her eyes searched for him and found him walking into the open elevator and just for a second their eyes met and that time he was certain there was a tear travelling down her cheek. The elevator doors closed and he pounded his fist against the wall. How could he do this to her?

He walked into the loft and slammed the door a little harder than intended. His heart raced and tears filled his eyes. He paced and pulled his hair in anger. What was he supposed to do? He wanted to throw something, to yell, to scream, but what good would it do? It wouldn't make it go away.

Suddenly he heard a door close and quick footsteps down the stairs. "Richard, what is going on?" He looked up to see his mother standing before him, a look of worry on her face as she sees his tears. She immediately took a hold of him and led him to the couch. "What happened?" She asked, desperation leaking into her usually exuberant voice.

He stared at her for a moment and couldn't help the feeling of thanks he gets every time he sees his mother because no matter how much he has screwed up she is always willing to help.

"It's Kate."

"Oh dear, what happened?"

"I think I have wrecked it, us."

Martha patted his arm reassuringly. "Tell me everything."

He sighed and felt his anger drain away as his long held in words provided comfort as he explained. "I haven't told her I love her since the night she went after Maddox. I thought that I shouldn't tell her again because I didn't want to scare her. I didn't want to push her into anything or make her feel like we were going too fast because the last thing I want to do is wreck what we have. But…"

"Oh dear Richard, what have you done?"

"I've been avoiding her all week. Her phone calls, her messages. I've hardly gone to the precinct. I just…" he stood up as his frustration boiled over and his voice rose. "I want to tell her single second of every single day that I love her. I want to scream it from the rooftops and write our initials in love hearts on every single surface. And every time I see her or talk to her it's on the tip of my tongue and I'm petrified of saying it because I don't know what I would do if I lost her. I have worked myself up into a frustrated, nervous wreck and now she just looks so sad and that is completely my fault and I feel horrible all the time because it's like I'm pushing her away but I'm doing that so I don't lose her and I just can't do this anymore. I'm an open person and I love her and I want to tell her, but I'm scared that she doesn't feel the same way or that she's not ready to hear it again." He sat back down and tears sprang to his eyes yet again as Martha took his hand. His voice was just above a whisper, "You should have seen her face today when I brought her coffee. She looked so confused and upset and it just broke my heart because I did that to her and I… I just…How do I fix it?"

Martha shook her head and smiled slightly, "You really screwed up big time kiddo."

He smiled sadly back. "I know."

"Well you know what they say; honesty is fearing a negative response and telling the truth anyway. You just have to tell her or at least put the poor girl at ease. Gosh, Richard you have gotten yourself into quite a mess and you have hurt the both of you. It's time to start fixing it. Put the pieces back together, mend the fences, tell her the truth. You know, if she is as upset as you say she is, how do you know she doesn't feel the same way? How do you know she is not ready to hear it again?"

He stood in front of her door, heart hammering and his mind and body too tired to be angry anymore. It was late and he was exhausted. His relationship was broken and it needed to be fixed. He summoned up a small amount of courage and knocked lightly on the door, preparing himself for her response to his presence.

He counted down from twenty and was about to knock again when the door opened slightly to reveal his girlfriend, whose eyes gleamed red and tear tracks sparkled on her cheeks. She quickly looked down and kept the door only slightly ajar before whispering, "What do you want Castle?"

He swallowed, trying to rid of the lump in his throat as he stared at her bowed head hiding her sadness, the sadness that he caused.

"Can I come in?"

She looked up at him and tears slipped from her eyes as hurt rose in her face. "You have been avoiding me all week and now you want to come in? Seriously Castle, if you want to break up with me just tell me now so that I don't have to kick you out."

He ran his hand through his hair as his frustration with himself grew. "Kate, I absolutely, 100% do not want to break up with. I just want to talk, please?" He begged.

She looked into his eyes and still uncertain, she opened the door wider and walked away. He followed her cautiously, closing the door behind him as she took a seat on her coach and looked up at him expectantly.

He couldn't help the feeling of guilt creeping inside him as he noticed how tiny she looked, how dark the circles were under her eyes. He walked to her and knelt down in front of her, taking her shaking hands in his as his eyes glassed over. "Kate, I'm so so sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, I just…I was an idiot and a million other things far worse."

She looked down at their joined hands and whispered, "What did I do Castle?"

If his heart wasn't already broken he knew right then that it had snapped. He made her feel like it was her. He made Kate Beckett, the Detective Kate Beckett feel insecure and uncertain about herself. He made her feel vulnerable and upset and if he wasn't the worst person in the world right at that moment he didn't know who was.

"God Kate, no, no. You did nothing, okay? It was all me. I promise. You're perfect, absolutely perfect." He squeezed her hands, hoping to reassure her.

"Then what is it Castle?" She asked, her voice rising slightly and her anger showing. "Why have you been ignoring me all week? Why haven't you answered my texts or my phone calls? Why haven't you been staying at the precinct? All week you have barely been able to look at me or talk to me? If it's not me then what is it Castle because I am so sick of guessing?"

He huffed out a breath. It was now or never. He held her eyes as he whispered the truth he had been keeping to himself - the truth that ate away at him and caused the whole mess. "I love you, Kate." Her eyes widened in surprise and searched his for an explanation which he had no choice but to give. "I love you so much and as strange as it sounds, that's the reason I have been avoiding you all week." She opened her mouth but he cut her off. "I know it's a terrible reason after all I have put you through, but Kate I love you and every time I see you I just want to tell you, but I was so scared that you would run because you thought it was too soon or you didn't feel the same. I didn't want to pressure you because I don't know what I'd do if I lost. Losing you would be something I couldn't bear. Cause I don't want to live without you Kate and I'm so so so sorry that I hurt you I never meant to but I just got myself so worked up and agitated and then I got angry and I'm sorry. God, I'm sorry."

A tear slipped from his cheek as he looked into her eyes in an attempt to gauge her reaction, but he found only a blank stare behind her watery eyes.

She looked down at their hands and slowly entwined her fingers with his before looking up again. "You were ignoring me all week because you were afraid to tell me you loved me?" He nodded uncertainly, half expecting her to kick him out, but was surprised when a smile graced her lips and a breathy laugh escaped. "Rick, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard."

He smiled sadly back, "Don't I know it. I guess at the time it made perfect sense."

"You should have just told me."

"I was scared I'd lose you if I did."

"Well I thought you wanted to break up with me so you almost did."

"I'm so sorry, Kate."

"Rick?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you too."

**SO what do you think? Thoughts? Ideas? Please hit review! Thanks for reading! :)**


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